Forgiveness

 As many of you know, I have a part time "side hustle" working in sales and reservations for the largest, do-it-yourself moving company in North America.  You know the one - the "orange" moving company. In our position, our customers are asked to do surveys of our performance. Not sure if I was having an off day, I was tired, overwhelmed or what (JULY WAS A HARD MONTH IN THE MOVING UNIVERSE) but a customer did a survey for me and his assessment?  I was "rude." And y'all - even though I don't "think" I'm rude that survey brought some things to the surface of my heart and mind that were, indeed, the undercurrent of what could be perceived as me being "rude." 

I KNOW there are times my face speaks things my mouth isn't saying.  I'd like to blame genetics as my mom has this "look" when she is completely puzzled by humanity (and her kids) but I know my response to frustration is TOTALLY on me.  

I know that I am not the only one who has been hurt.  Betrayed.  Abandoned.  Abused.  Taken for granted. Disappointed others - and myself.  I'm not the only one who has been wronged - or wronged another.  I know there were times I needed empathy and needed to give it.  There were times I made mistakes and the mistakes others made impacted me.  There have been times when no one stood for me; when I was judged, when I was misunderstood.  You get the idea.  We can all recite the laundry list of how we've been wronged.  

Confronted with the assessment and opinion that I had been I had been "rude" my first response?  Get defensive.  Get angry.  And then, while navigating through all the feels that come with that kind of indictment, I heard the still,  small voice of the Holy Spirit saying "Little one - this really isn't about rude at all. This, My Beloved, is about unforgiveness."  Ouch.  And ouch.   And OH OUCH!  I felt the gentle reproach of the Holy Spirit and the heat of the tears as they filled my eyes and cascaded down my cheeks.  I KNEW what I was feeling.  I was feeling the sting of ALL the hurts, through all the years.  And I knew that once again I was confronted with the thorn in my flesh - my inability to forgive.  

Being in any area of customer/client service, especially in this day and age, those of us who truly desire to serve, are often confronted with the ugly and upset that is humanity and we are reminded. . . We are reminded of ALL the ugly that has been heaped on us - intentionally or unintentionally.  And whether or not we will - or will not forgive.  When even a stranger takes out his or her hurt, upset, woundedness or frustration on one who endeavors to help and serve, our own hearts are reminded of those who have hurt us before.  And in that moment we have to a choice to not respond out of our own unhealed, tender places.  And that was where I found myself just a few weeks ago.  

As I talked through this with trusted friends, my husband and my therapist, prayed, journaled, listened to and read scripture and praise music, I came to a place where my conversation with the God of the Universe went like this:  "I am so tired of being hurt, judged, mischaracterized, lied about, cursed at and 'crucified' for my mistakes. I am tired of people holding things against me I have apologized for.  I am so tired of being accused of things I haven't done and not acknowledged for who I am .... and Whose I am.  And in that moment, even though the knowledge wasn't new, I heard the voice of Jesus say to me "oh, child, I know - they did the same to me." More. Hot. Tears.  But this time, the tears were healing instead of hurting.  They were and are tears of the reminder that the God of the universe knows what it is to forgive.  Jesus' last words on the cross were "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do."  

I'm not Jesus y'all- but I desire to love and forgive like He did.  Like He does.  On this 1st day of September - the National Forgiveness Day I am reminded of the truly transformative power of forgiveness.  I know how I have felt since that moment when I realized that I wasn't too wounded to forgive.  That forgiving didn't free the other person - it frees me.  And you.  Today - breathe in and when you exhale? Let go of just one thing that you've been holding on to .... and forgive.  WGL, Coach A


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